If you’ve read my newsletters or emails previously year, you understand I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I trying to convey for you that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my life is just a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this particular signature I intend to remind you and myself to choose the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. Although not precisely what feels in this way also feels effortless.
In reality, over the entire year since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to steer women entrepreneurs to develop their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Even though I’ve known I’ve been living the trail that’s right for me – doing the professional work I’m supposed to be doing plus looking after my children, my home and myself – often I’ve allowed the quantity to get blaringly high. I’ve been doing the best things but so many of them at once! Why? Because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that if I slow down, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will slow down further. Or more. Or worse.
So as much as I’ve been practicing living in reference to Spirit, I’ve already been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not prepared to see a better way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or family members – I clung to these beliefs.
But about monthly ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they do not make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy spotify a course in miracles. I chose not to attend a bar mitzvah or even a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to keep focused. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to ask for help. (And gratefully received it!) Used to do my level best to organize, to create sound and rational choices. Obviously, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong. These were not working out with ease. I felt out of the flow. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, less than a couple of weeks prior to the trial was scheduled to start, I heard it had been probably be postponed for at the very least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, that is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To go back calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this was all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Turns out I also had strep throat. And then a sinus infection. All I could do, for a lot of, many days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took a break from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone allowed to stop. Someone for whom it’s safe to stop. Someone who are able to stop constantly moving, tend and then her needs, and survive it. Simply for a while.
The children understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to create me food and perform a few plenty of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense precisely what originates from love is just a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to prevent looking after the rest and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. Plenty of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. A few lovely days on Cape Cod in quite a inn all by myself.
My fear that if I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I discovered energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to clean out everything the youngsters had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The days were a cloud of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
Using this whole experience I remembered I am loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know had been considering me. After significantly more than a couple of weeks away from business I figured I need to schedule regular, true downtime for myself – possibly even take 2 weeks away from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.